The unknown

90411417_560518414814377_2544868282421569302_nAva,

Being pregnant with you was, to put it bluntly terrible. I wasn’t good at it. I didn’t glow. I didn’t savour every second. It was miserable. And if I’m being completely honest with you, I didn’t feel like I loved you straight away.

In the beginning I was constantly sick and tired. I still didn’t have a bump. I hadn’t felt you kick once. This went on for about four months. I couldn’t relate my sudden crappy symptoms to you. It felt as though I had a hangover. Every. Single. Day.

As time went on, my body started to settle in to pregnancy, I felt human again. Enjoying each and every kick or hiccup in my tummy. Seeing you grow at each scan and reading all about the ways in which you were becoming a real little person. It was truly magical.

Then without warning came the heartburn, shortness of breath, backache.. the list could go on but we would be here forever. I had just got comfortable with the thought of growing a human and happily sharing my body with you. I did not expect to struggle this much, from what I had been told and read about being pregnant. It was joyous. A time you will cherish and will not want to end. Well I was cursing those baby books, whining at members of family and counting down the days until it was all over.

I don’t miss being pregnant with you and I don’t think I will ever miss it. And when we decide to give you a little brother or sister, I’m sure I will be writing to them these exact same words. At least you can read them together and know you aren’t the only one.

And as I said before I didn’t love you from the moment I saw those two blue lines on a stick. For me, it took being able to feel you to connect with you. It may sound awful to some that I felt like this and I’m ok with that. I know that I’ve made up for this since you have been born with a constant flow of emotions and affection. So struggling to connect with something that I don’t know exists yet is not a bad thing. To me those blue lines were uncertainty, the months of pain and irritation were my body punishing me. But when I held you in my arms for the first time, everything fell into place, I knew what all the pain was for and I knew I loved you with every inch of my body that spent months growing you.

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